Just when I think I might be getting a hang of this IE thing, I run into some major triggers. Today at my exercise group, a friend said to me, “I have been gone for a few weeks so I haven’t seen you, but I can tell that you’ve lost weight. You look good.” In the past, I would have swelled with pride and confidence on the inside and thanked her for noticing my hard work. However, this time I didn’t say anything like that because inside of pride and confidence, I felt confused, and I am sure that she thought I was ungrateful or something because I simply answered her statement with “Oh,” and then I kept right on exercising.
After her comment, I immediately felt the familiar feeling of pride and confidence well up within me, but they were followed closely on their heels by confusion and dare I admit it, anger. I was confused because of the feelings I was having and wondering how I should respond/feel now that I am deep in IE. And, I was angry, not necessarily at my friend, but at the whole situation. I thought that I was strong enough to take on any triggers without a hitch (talk about pride, huh?) but I am not and it made me angry that I would fall for something like this comment. I was also angry, seriously ANGRY at society for teaching us that these types of comments are seen as compliments.
My body and weight were perfectly fine and healthy a few weeks ago, when this friend saw me. Now she thinks I have lost weight, but my weight is simply normalizing, and its true, I have lost weight, but not intentionally. And I have been trying SO hard to remind myself that this weight I am loosing is part of the normalizing process and that my body is fine at any weight and that I don’t want to feel better about myself just because some weight has come off. I want to feel good about myself no matter what happens with my weight and I thought I was there, but I guess, I am not. I still need some TLC with my body.