So my last post detailed my own personal Forbidden Food List that I have now given myself unconditional permission to eat (see https://endingthewar.wordpress.com/2013/07/02/unconditional-permission-to-eat/). And, I started with the first three items on my list: chocolate milk, E.L. Fudge Cookies, and brownies, well, one at a time actually. I absolutely love dark chocolate, the rich, gooey, need-to-inhale-a-glass-of-milk-with kind of chocolate. Chocolate milk has always been my first love, but I never used to buy it because I could never stop with one glass. So, I knew it had to be number one on the list.
I went to Costco and bought a very large can of Nesquik chocolate milk mix and enough gallons of milk that I barely had room in the refrigerator. At first, I drank glass after glass and had to physically fight back all of the feelings of shame that came with each glass. But, I kept reminding myself that over and over and over—like hundreds of times in one day—that I wanted to change, that I wasn’t going to feel shame for drinking chocolate milk. My mantras sounded something like this: “I want to change. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t have to be ashamed. I am not going to be ashamed.” And, I would say them hundreds of times in one day, before I had a glass of milk, after each sip, and when I finished. It didn’t take me long to finish that first can of Nesquik milk mix so I got a second, and a third.
It took me almost three weeks of having at least three glasses (and I mean, 22oz glasses) of chocolate milk a day to finally feel like I had had enough. I soon realized that I only wanted a glass with breakfast each morning. And now, I have Nesquik milk mix that has sat in my pantry for days without being touched, because I have moved on to other forbidden foods. And one of the most surprising things is that even after I moved on to another food on the list and haven’t had chocolate milk in a considerable time, I still do not feel the need to have it and I do not binge on it when I decide to have it.
The hardest part about eating these forbidden foods is dealing with weight gain, which is the subject of my next post, so stay tuned!